And That's Why I Hate Kids
by AerisSerris
Summary: Izzy's sister asks her and Duncan to babysit her son, Henry. Easy, right? Duncan finds out that it is so very, very wrong the hard way.


**This is sad. We need more Dizzy on the site! I'd better contribute.**

**Main Pairing: Izzy/Duncan**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour. I just own... oh stuck it, I own nothing.**

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

It seemed like such a good idea at the time, even though Duncan should've guessed it was bound for disaster.

Did he ever mention how much kids drive him insane?

A few months ago, he and his lovely girlfriend Izzy got married, and the two were pretty happy together.

Duncan Cox was very happy... until IT came into his life.

Izzy was washing dishes in their two-story house when the phone rang. "'Ello, gov'na?" She answered (she had Australian Accent Syndrome that day).

"Hey, Izzy!" Came the equally cheerful voice of her sister, Molly. Izzy's face lit up.

"Molly! What's happening?" She asked, setting down the cloth with embroidered bombs down that she was using to wash the extra large plates.

"David and I are going out of town for the weekend, so I was wonderig if you and Duncan could babysit Henry? I already called mom and dad, but dad said he couldn't because mom's insanity is getting worse." Izzy frowned.

"What'd mom do this time?" She asked.

"Stripped down to her bare undies and starting singing songs from Total Drama World Tour, but that's no the point. Please, Iz? No one in town will say yes to babysitting Henry!"

Izzy chuckled at that. Her little nephew Henry had definetely earned the "Calvin"**(1) **rank amongst the babysitters of the city they lived in, especially at his last little escapade including a pile of meat, some bumper cars, and a very confused old lady.

"Duncy and I aren't doing anything this weekend, so yeah, I'll be there. I'm just hoping Duncy doesn't already know about Henry." Izzy promised.

Molly's tone darkened. "Pray he doesn't! I'm having a hard enough time finding a babysitter as it is! Gotta go, little sis! Make me some nieces and nephews some time, would ya?"

Izzy laughed. "When Duncan and I are ready, Molls!"

She went upstairs to tell her loving husband about their plans for the weekend, and hoped that he didn't talk to any of the teenagers who had babysat Henry Blake before.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Duncan had only ever met Izzy's sister Molly twice before, the first time being when Izzy introduced him to her family, the second time at their wedding. He had met her husband, David, at the wedding, but he had never met Henry up until tonight.

Lucky douchebag - or unlucky, depending on how you look at it.

When Izzy did her very own special way of knocking on the door, which was knocking to the tune of "Shave And A Haircut", kicking it repeatedly, and if that didn't get the people of the house to come to the door, she'd either drive a screwdriver through the door to open it or pick the lock. Most times it was the former.

Izzy had gotten all the way to step three when Molly finally came to the door. Each time Duncan saw Molly and Izzy together he always noticed how alike they were - same orange-red hair, same smile, same facial shape. The only differences were that Molly's eyes were hazel, and her hair was straight most of the time.

"Iz, sorry. Henry's getting hyper, so I had to use the tranq shot again." Molly explained. Duncan raised a brow.

"You use a tranq gun on your kid?" He questioned. Molly sighed.

"I'll trust you didn't mention Henry's, ah, nature?" The redhead asked her younger sister. Izzy shook her head.

"I didn't want to scare him three months after we got married, Molls." Duncan paled.

"Wait, what about - ?" The former delinquent was cut off by Molly handing a piece of paper to Izzy.

"These are the numbers for any, ah, specialists. And Duncan, you've never met Henry, so I'll just say two things tonight, only one of them doing with my son. One, don't get too annoyed by him, he's only nine." Molly turned to him, her hazel eyes surprisingly serious. It was weird to think that anyone related to Izzy could have such a serious gaze.

"What's the second thing?" Duncan asked.

"If you ever hurt my baby sister, I will kick your donkey!" Molly threatened, holding a fist to Duncan's face. Said former delinquent nodded.

"I'll be good to Izzy!" Duncan was hardly ever scared of anything, but seeing your insane wife's sister with anger management problems raise her fist to your face was enough to send even pro wrestlers running and crying for momma.

Izzy pouted. "I resent that!" She called as Molly and her husband went into their SUV and left for wherever the heck they were going for the weekend. "I'm not a baby."

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Molly and David had a pretty nice place in Duncan's opinion. The walls were the color of honey, and the carpets an icy blue tone. It was something that was so weird combined, yet it was surprisingly homey. Toys were scattered on the floor while Pokemon played on the TV. In front of Molly's rather nice eight-inch TV was a sleeping boy, about nine or ten.

Izzy sighed deeply. "Whatever you do, don't talk loudly!" She whispered to Duncan. He frowned.

"He's just a kid. How bad could he be?" He asked in a rather loud tone. Izzy made frantic 'shush' noises, but the damage had been done.

The little boy (that was probably Henry) immediately jerked awake. Duncan could see that he had bright green eyes like Izzy, the same curly hair, and the same grin that said _It's playtime._

Izzy groaned. "Oh, no..." She muttered. Less than two seconds after that sound escaped her lips did a big bundle of happy nine year old jump on his aunt.

"Auntie Izzy! How's it hopping?" He asked, his face split in a grin that was so big Duncan was wondering how it managed to fit on his face.

Izzy whispered to herself. She seemed to be praying. "Henry, are you hungry for dinner yet?" She asked. Henry was completely oblivious as he noticed the other character in the room; Duncan.

"Izzy Izzy Izzy who's that guy is he your boyfriend do you LIKE him that's so gross I don't like girls do we have mac and cheese I like oranges they're sour - " Henry was cut off by a sudden motion of a hand covering his mouth.

"Henry, please don't talk so much." Duncan said calmly, in the same tone he used in his daily job as a police officer, monotone and strict. Henry shot Duncan a death glare that sent chills up his spine.

"Imph yoou dun lekt me go I'wll kiwck!" He said through Duncan's mouth, which roughly translated into 'If you don't let me go, I'll kick'.

Izzy sent Duncan a warning glance. "Dunc-o, you'd better let go. Hey, that rhymed! Ha ha ha! I'm a poet and I didn't know it! I can make a rhyme anytime!" She burst out laughing.

Duncan was so absorbed by this moment he failed to notice that Henry was about to make good on his word. Sure enough, the little boy let out a surprisingly hard kick, straight in the groin, that made Duncan collapse, moaning in agony.

Henry climbed on top of the couch, let out a war cheer, then ran into the kitchen singing a song about seagulls and kicking. Izzy was trying hard not to giggle, but inevitably failed to do so as she helped her husband to the nice leather couches.

Dear God, but that boy could kick. Duncan's teal eyes were going cross eyed and he was muttering many things under his breath. Izzy could only catch a few words: "kids" and "that little son of a" were some of them.

"You okay, Dunc-a-roo?" She asked, a playful smirk still on her face.

Izzy had to wait several minutes before she had a response. "Izzy... I can see how you and him are related..."

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

"Crap!" Izzy swore as she looked through the refrigerator. Her loving husband was busy playing a Native American game with Henry while Izzy was searching desperately for Henry's craving of macaroni and cheese. She found none. Suddenly, a rather loud "AHHHH!" echoed through the house, instantly drawing the crazy girl's attention to the living room.

Izzy stuck her head through the door. To this day she still doesn't know how it happened, but the twenty-six year old found her husband hung by his feet from the ceiling. Henry, who had somehow found a lighter, had lit a stick found outside, now burning like a torch. He was circling Duncan, his eyes lit with terror, and chanting.

"Pale skin! How dare you show your face in my palace?" Henry cried, waving the burning torch in Duncan's face. "I will burn you alive!"

The sad thing was, Izzy could see him doing that, too. She immediately ran forward and grabbed the torch away from a crazed Henry and a traumatized Duncan, who was unharmed except for a few scorching unibrow hairs.

"Henry, no lighting my husband on fire!" She scolded, pointing her finger. Duncan's mouth was wide open in a silent scream.

Henry stomped the ground. "Sheesh, Aunt Izzy! I was just having some fun." Izzy smiled.

"No fun that lights Duncan on fire, Henry." She turned to Duncan, pulled out a knife, and cut the ropes that held him to the ceiling. Duncan fell to the floor with an unceremonious PLOP and cursed, rubbing his head.

"Izzy, never, ever, ever, EVER leave me alone with... that... thing!" He said, shivering the way an insane man would. Izzy frowned.

"Um, then you're going to hate what I have to say next." Duncan, if possible, got even paler.

"Please don't tell me..."

"I have to run to the grocery store really quick. We're out of mac and cheese." Izzy glanced at her husband and her nephew, who was running around the house without a shirt and whooping happily. "Just keep him quiet and entertained. I'll be back in a bit."

Duncan sighed. "Fine, but you owe me a make-out session for this one." Izzy nodded.

"Hey, I'm up for making out anytime!" She gave him a quick peck on the lips, then left swinging her car keys in her hand.

As soon as the door slammed behind her, Duncan felt a serious feeling of dread creep into him. Doing some quick math, the nearest grocery store was about thirty minutes away from where Molly and David lived. To get there and back would at least be an hour, not counting the time it would take to track down enough macaroni and cheese to satisfy Henry.

Duncan sighed, for what was probably the third or fourth time this hour. "This is going to be a long, long hour..." He said as he turned to face the grinning redheaded boy, who was probably plotting his demise as Duncan's only defense just went out the door... literally.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Henry, who had decided to go outside much to the pleasure of his uncle, was finding Duncan's new companion for when he went to sleep that night.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

Izzy was singing a cheery tune to herself as she pulled into the gravel driveway that linked car to Molly's house.

"There once was a hardy young lad of the sea... a redguard of courage and honor was he... sail on, my Cyrus, sail on... **(2)**" She opened the door, eyes closed in perfect harmony, carrying a bag of groceries. When she opened her eyes, she saw a rather nasty sight.

The furniture was flipped over. Rocks were scattered around the house, and smoke was coming from the bathroom. In the corner sat Duncan, who was rocking back and forth and talking nonsense to himself. Izzy set down the groceries, walking cautiously over to her husband. She was seriously starting to worry for his mental health.

"Um... Duncan?" She said. Duncan looked up slowly, a haunted look in his eyes.

"I'm seriously scared now, Izzy... That kid... is Satan himself... He tried to cook me. In the toilet. Alive." His teal eyes were huge, slit like a cat's.

Izzy decided there was no help for him here. Duncan would get over it. Meanwhile, she scolded Henry, who explained that he had recieved "the call of the wild".

"Izzy, how long is this weekend supposed to be again?" Duncan asked as he cuddled up with Izzy that night while Henry went to his room, decorated with Thomas the engine. Izzy laughed, her head resting against the couch arm.

"A weekend is still two days, Duncan."

"...I'm so dead..." She heard him mutter before she fell asleep. She was an incredibly heavy sleeper, and so did not wake up when twenty minutes later Duncan discovered a live garden snake on the couch, making its way to his face.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

The next day, Duncan and Izzy took Henry to the park, where Henry could play, laugh, grow, live out the Gerber motto, and hopefully allow Duncan a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Of course not.

Because just the minute Henry decided he wanted to play 'Cowboy' with Uncle Duncan, Izzy noticed her friend Marisa from work and went over to say hello.

"Duncan, just keep him happy! It can't be that hard!" Said Izzy in an incredibly hypocritcal moment as she insisted that her bomb of energy nephew was not that bad, when she herself had warned Duncan against waking him up.

Duncan whimpered. "Izzy, that kid is driving me insane!" He insisted, but Izzy turned a deaf ear as her conversation with Marisa turned into an hour-long discussion on which brand of gummy bears was better.

When she finally bothered to check her watch, she noticed that an hour had gone by. "Crap! Bye 'Risa, gotta go!" Izzy left in the direction that Duncan and Henry went off to, the woods.

Turns out, they were harder to find than she originally thought. Izzy Cox managed to track Duncan down, though, by listening to a small trail of whimpers. She found her husband, with her nephew nowhere in sight.

"Duncan, where's Henry?" She demanded, her hand on her hips. Don't ask me why, but she also got a sudden craving for blueberry cake dipped in syrup.

"Izzy, I know you'll hate me, but I've got to say my mind! That kid is driving me insane. He rode me for what felt like 20 kilometers. He made me answer why the sky is blue, why oranges are round, what you see in me, and so many more."

"Where is Henry?" Izzy asked again.

"Henry?" Duncan suddenly laughed an insane laugh. "I left him at the hotel across the street from the park."

Izzy was about to yell at him when a very familiar grin appeared from a bush behind Duncan. Henry's own face popped out. Duncan was completely oblivious.

"Duncan, is there any heart disease of any kind passed down in your family?" Izzy asked.

"No, the occasional weak lung is really the only thing chronological." Duncan replied. "Why?"

"Then you might want to turn around." **(3)** Izzy grinned. Duncan turned... and came face to face with Henry.

His eyes went wide, and then he slowly hugged himself and rocked back and forth screaming bloody murder.

To anyone else walking in, they would be wondering why a crazy guy was on the ground. Izzy, though, was busy carrying him over her shoulders while Henry followed as she thought of dancing pears.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

To Duncan, it could not have been a longer weekend. Henry, since the incident where he found his way back to his aunt and uncle, had plenty more tricks up his size three sleeves, and by the end of the weekend Duncan Cox was seriously considering therapy for the first time.

Izzy answered the door, and Molly came in followed by David. "Izzy, Duncan, we're back! We'll take Henry again." Molly called.

Duncan shouted "YES!" whilst Henry shouted "NO!" The sisters exchanged a glance as David had to hold Henry back from running to his new playmate.

"How long can you hold him?" Izzy asked David.

"I'm not sure, but I think I can guarantee a good ten minutes." David shouted over Henry's screams.

As fast as Izzy was, she had to run for about fifteen minutes before she could catch up to Duncan who was already going very quickly in their car. She hopped in, after some angry curses and yelling.

Duncan had a crazed look in his eyes. "Izzy, let's never EVER have kids." Izzy felt her own personal anime sweat drop roll down her head.

"Then you're gonna hate what I have to tell you." Duncan paled in Izzy's news.

What Izzy told him was that she was pregnant.

What neither knew yet was that it was twins.

**.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**I feel very accomplished.**

**(1): A "Calvin" is a reference to the ever amazing Calvin & Hobbes comics. Hee hee, I love those.**

**(2): Izzy was singing a song a pirate will sing to the character in Oblivion.**

**(3): That was a reference to O. Henry's hilarious story "The Ransom of Red Chief". **

**~AerisSerris**


End file.
